Don’t mean to overreact and risk boosting everybody’s blood pressure higher than opening offers on Facebook’s IPO, but this might be a halfway decent time to seek out a nice, safe, steel bunker to hunker down in or behind, because it’s awards season and heavy metal statuettes are being tossed around like dimes at a county fair. Like the flurry of résumés from the outer office of Michele Bachmann’s inner circle. As plentiful as the doubts currently circling Mitt Romney’s Super PAC. We’ve already been treated to the golden plated spectacle of the Grammies, BAFTAs, Golden Globes, People’s Choice Awards, Machine Tool Diamond Awards, Screen Actor Guild Awards and what with the Emmys, Oscars and CMAs right around the corner, this might be the perfect opportunity to weigh in with the most consequential of them all: the 2012 Political Animal Awards. (Note: No tuxes have been bruised in the creation of these awards.)
BEST COSTUME: Rick Santorum, for that winning period look – subtly harkening back to a young Mr. Rogers with rabies.
BAD TIMING AWARD: Tim Pawlenty, for deserting the Presidential line-up before getting his own shot at leading the pack. Runner-Up: Mitch Daniels.
UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT AWARD: Herman Cain, for continuing to blame the media for finding his fan full of feces.
THE DUMBER THAN HE ALREADY LOOKS AWARD: In an extremely competitive field, Rick Perry.
THE NOT AS DUMB AS HIS HAIR LOOKS AWARD: For the 6th consecutive year, Donald Trump.
THE CLAUDE RAINES INVISIBLE MAN AWARD: George W Bush.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: In a thankless role, Calista Gingrich.
THE WE-CAN’T-FIND-A-MUZZLE-BIG-ENOUGH AWARD: Joe Biden. (May have to retire this award in his name.)
BEST SCORE: Whoever bought Apple at 8.
THE WHY-WON’T-ANYONE-RETURN-MY-CALLS-AWARD, DEMOCRATIC DIVISION: John Edwards. John Kerry. Anthony Weiner.
THE WHY-WON’T-ANYONE-RETURN-MY-CALLS-AWARD: REPUBLICAN DIVISION: Dick Cheney. Pat Robertson. Glenn Beck.
BEST SPECIAL EFFECTS: Industrial Light & Magic for making Mitt Romney appear so lifelike.
BEST MAKE UP: Newt Gingrich for his very convincing Walking Dead grimace.
BEST CHOREOGRAPHY: Grover Norquist.
THE “OH MY GOD, NOT YOU AGAIN” AWARD: Whoever decided contraception made for a good election year wedge issue.
BEST BOY: Marcus Bachmann.
BEST ANIMATION: Chris Christie.
THE OTHER MORMON MEAT AWARD: Jon Huntsman.
BEST NEWCOMER: Paul Ryan, for his highly controversial script, “Roadmap for America’s Future.”
THE LUCKY IT WASN’T BITTEN OFF AWARD: Arizona Governor Jan Brewer.
MENSA’S SMARTEST MOVE OF THE YEAR: In a huge upset, Sarah Palin picks this one up for refusing to accept another supporting role.
THE HOW CAN WE MISS YOU IF YOU WON’T GO AWAY AWARD: Ron Paul.
BEST ENSEMBLE IN A MUSICAL OR COMEDY: The entire Republican Party Presidential Nomination cast.
BEST ACTOR: Body of Work award goes to Speaker of the House John Boehner for various portrayals as outraged defender of fiscal responsibility, obstinate party stalwart and sophisticated gentleman to whom gracious cooperation is of the highest priority and doing it all while orange.
BEST DIRECTION: The Koch Brothers.
MISDIRECTION AWARD: Newt Gingrich, for his moon base proposal. (Always knew his full ambitions could never be contained by Planet Earth.)
COMEBACK OF THE YEAR AWARD: The US economy.
THE BETTER-TO-BE-LUCKY-THAN-GOOD AWARD: Barack Obama.
The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst“is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out Redroom.com to buy his book or find out more about upcoming stand-up performances.