1:21pm

Thu February 27, 2014
Politics

Will Durst: 2014 Political Animal awards

Note: Will Durst is a comedian and you may find some of his material offensive, or worse, not funny. His views do not necessarily reflect those of KALW.

Hey guys, WIll Durst here with a few choice words about awards season. You'd best be advised to hunker in a bunker wearing a Kevlar overcoat, because gold plated statues are being tossed about like air kisses at a gown fitting. Like clouds of bathroom hair spray in the Beverly Hill bathroom during the nominee luncheons. Like jaded eyes at a press screening of Transformers 4.

And that means it's time for we here at Durstco to recognize and honor the most greedy, pompous, and hypocritical - in the realm of politics - for their annual presentation of the 2014 Political Animal Awards. So running the risk of spraining a wrist patting ourselves on the back, here they are:

THE WE’LL CROSS THAT BRIDGE WHEN WE COME TO IT AWARD: Chris Christie.

BEST DISAPPEARING ACT: Edward Snowden.

THE “OH GOD NO, NOT YOU AGAIN” AWARD: Ted Nugent.

THE SHEEP'S CLOTHING AWARD: Vladimir Putin

THE "WHAT WAS GOING THROUGH HIS TINY LITTL MIND??" AWARD: French President Francois Hollande

THE DUMBER THAN HE LOOKS AWARD: Toronto Mayor Rob Ford.

THE NOT AS DUMB AS HIS HAIR LOOKS AWARD: For the 8th consecutive year, Donald Trump. 

THE WE ARE THE EVIL EMPIRE AWARD: The US Defense Department for using drone strikes on American citizens.

THE WON’T EVEN STEP FOOT IN AN OLIVE GARDEN AWARD: Amanda Knox.

THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN AMERICA AWARD: For the 3rd year in a row… Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s doctor.

BEST ACTRESS: Hillary Clinton for her convincing portrayal of a woman unsure of her role in the 2016 Presidential race.

THE YOUR FIFTEEN MINUTES WERE UP THIRTY MINUTES AGO AWARD: Anthony Weiner.

THE BEST IMPRESSION OF A SLEEPING LIZARD IN SEARCH OF A WARM ROCK AWARD: John Boehner, for his performance at the State of the Union address. 

And finally, the TED CRUZ MAN OF THE YEAR AWARD: Ted Cruz. 

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