Will Durst: Angrier Birds

Apr 16, 2012

Will Durst here with a few words on the uncanny similarities between the 2012 Republican primary race and a game of Angry Birds. There's more than you might think.

For one thing, just like the 2012 Republican primary race, you'd have to be a hermit living in one of the recesses of a Sonoran Desert vertical zinc mine not to be aware of Angry Birds. They're both infuriatingly cute and terminally addictive pastimes that experts consider major enemies to both sanity and productivity in America today.

The object of Angry Birds is to use a slingshot to aim various flightless birds at flimsy houses built by egg-stealing green pigs. The object of the 2012 Republican Primary Race is to throw accusations at the White House and steal Independents from the Democrats.

The different birds possess unique powers and skills, just like the Republicans. The weakest bird is the little red one that squawks a lot, but doesn't really do anything – that would be Ron Paul. Another bird in the arsenal is a yellow one that can break through walls – and that's Herman Cain. The big, lumpy, white bird that drops exploding eggs is – who else? – Michelle Bachman. And the little blue bird that splits his little personality into three little birds at the touch of a screen? Got to be Rick Perry. The big red one whose major skill is brute strength, knocking everything over in its path, is Newt Gingrich. (You had that one, didn't you?) The bird that's actually a bomb with a short fuse – Rick Santorum. And then, for the right price, there's something called the Mighty Eagle, which will pummel your entire screen to bits. But if you want that one, you've got to order it up special and pay extra – just like Mitt Romney.

Next week we'll find out why the Supreme Court is like Doodle Jump.