4:01pm

Tue November 19, 2013
Politics

Will Durst: Foggy crystal ball

  Note: Will Durst is a comedian and you may find some of his material offensive, or worse, not funny. His views do not necessarily reflect those of KALW.

Hey guys,

Will Durst here, scratching my head, trying to figure out what the heck is going on? Apparently the the flag signaling the start of the 2016 presidential race has dropped! That's right, 36 months before the election. The most recent media-consumed-fever-dreams boil down to Chris Christie v. Hilary Clinton. Although two weeks ago, Ted Cruz was the presumptive GOP nominee. But a lack of consistency hasn't kept talking heads from jabbering, money being raised, polls conducted.

Seriously, can't we wait until the midterms are over? The Winter Olympics? Thanksgiving? Predicting the nominees right now is like betting what the weather will be like in Wisconsin in April...10 years from now. A week in politics is a lifetime, a month is two eternities, and three years is like an afternoon at your great-aunt's while Uncle Harry - with the mole on his nose that four inch hairs grow out of - shows slides of a recent trip to the Azores.

This is not jumping the gun, this is jumping the application of the lane chalk. Think of all the stuff that could happen between now and 2016. By 2016 Joe Biden might have single-handedly pulled six navy seals out of a burning helicopter. By 2016 the oceans could rise so high that California's totally taken out of the electoral equation. By 2016 the Tea Party might be holding its annual convention in the banquet of a Casper, Wyoming Applebee's. By 2016 the primaries might come down to whoever looks best in a full-body containment suit. By 2016 Mitt Romney could have very well had a new user-friendly operating system installed. By 2016 Elizabeth Warren could have resigned the Senate and moved to China to organize Apple workers. By the year 2016, Chris Christie might have left politics for his one true love, the field of competitive eating. Hello, Joey Chestnut. By the year 2016, Hillary Clinton could be on trial for domestic abuse. By the year 2016. Democrats might be holding their annual convention in the banquet room of a Cambridge, Massachusetts Olive Garden. By the year 2016, Jeb Bush might change his last name to something less polarizing, like Hitler. Hitler

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