Will Durst: It's Veepstakes time again!

May 8, 2012

It’s once again time to play that quadrennial game sensation sweeping the nation: Guess the Vice Presidential Pick!

Since Mitt Romney has sewed up the Republican nomination tighter than one of Chris Christie’s old suits, the only drama left is which name the former governor of Massachusetts intends to place on the bottom of his bumper sticker. So let's look at the field of potential running mates. We'll start with the vanquished competition.

First off, Ron Paul: 1,000 to 1. Less chance than a snail hauling a piano has of qualifying for the 100-meter dash at the London Summer Olympics.

Newt Gingrich: Same thing, only the snail is dead.

Texas Governor Rick Perry: The snail is dead and the piano is made out of Uranium, the heaviest element on Earth.

Herman Cain and Michele Bachmann: More dead snails. Really, really heavy pianos.

Sarah Palin: Doing the same thing over again and expecting the same result is the definition of insanity, so 30 to 1.

Donald Trump: Nah. But if Romney gets elected, he can put the Donald in charge of the FAA to avail the airline industry of some of that aerodynamic hair.  (Same thing with Chris Christie and the FDA.)

Jeb Bush: A long shot, 15 to 1. People need a bit more time to recover from Bush fatigue. Like three decades.

Former Governor of Minnesota, Tim Pawlenty: 8 to 1. Only problem is, you'd have two guys so white, it might become known as the Albino Ticket.

Rick Santorum: 10 to 1. Mostly, Mitt needs some Old Testament righteousness to counter that squishy Mormon thing.

Bob MacDonell, Governor of Virginia: Now we're talking – 6 to 1.

Bringing us to the favorite! Senator from Florida, Mario Rubio: Dead even, 50-50. A Hispanic and the state of Florida. Fits together like seashells and haltertops.

So that's about it. Fascinating. And this is supposed to keep us occupied until the end of August? It's going to be a long summer.

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out willdurst.com to buy his book or find out about upcoming stand-up performances. See him every Tuesday at the Marsh Theater in San Francisco