4:12pm

Thu August 8, 2013
Politics

Will Durst: The little red hen

Note: Will Durst is a comedian and you may find some of his material offensive, or worse, not funny. His views do not necessarily reflect those of KALW.  

Hey guys,

Will Durst here with a political fable.

 Once upon a time, a little red hen wanted to bake some bread. She formed a LLC with her neighbors, a pig, a sheep, and a mouse, then asked them to help her gather the wheat. But setting confusion over the stalled congressional action on the agricultural bill, the pig refused. The sheep didn't dare risk offending his good friend the pig, the mouse was unavailable for comment, but the hen swore she could hear dishes rattling in his hole. So the hen gathered the wheat.

 She needed help grinding it, and again, approached the pig. But the pig declined owing to the generally explosive union situation. The sheep couldn't possibly commit without first consulting his bank manager who's vacationing in Aruba according to an informed source, the mouse was in conference with his lawyer and could not be disturbed. So the hen ground the wheat. Unfortunately, it took so long that she lost the option on the industrial oven she had lined up. Warily, she approached the pig, but he had already leased his oven space to a Chinese bakery concern. The sheep was waiting for a similar yet intrinsically different offer and couldn't tie himself up. An unnamed staff member claimed the mouse was busy defending himself against a harassment charge by the cat.

 After many months the hen got a grant for an alternative production plant and baked many loaves of bread, keeping all of the profits. The pig and the sheep sued for breach of promise, and won the entire operation in a settlement. The mouse never knew what was going on. The hen got revenge of sorts when the pig, who threw a hostile takeover had dumped the sheep, was jailed after the FDA found moose pellets in the crust of the sourdough. The sheep scored big by selling a fictionalized script of the whole affair to HBO as a 12 part miniseries in which the hen played a cameo as a sexy yet conflicted FDA inspector.

The end. 

 

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