Note: Will Durst is a comedian and you may find some of his material offensive, or worse, not funny. His views do not necessarily reflect those of KALW.
Will Durst here with a few words about how those chicken-hearted Republicans - in name only - caved to the will of our socialist president and voted to reopen the government. Those RINOs don't represent real Americans. You know who they represent? AINOs - Americans in Name Only. Because only people who believe the same thing that we do deserve to be called real Americans. Those AINOs should count as 3/5 of a real American.
How does it feel to lose? We didn't lose, we won. We won by losing. Because only in losing do real winners test their skills at winning, whereas losers just feel normal. Winners never quit. And quitters never win. And winning quitters are like banana slugs on the great salt flat with a blown head gasket. You know who lost? Our leaders lost. Those so-called leaders of this party who flopped faster than a French soccer team that had been surgically de-boned.
Oh don't get us wrong, we are all in favor of compromise, as long as it's the other side doing it. And we learned our lesson, yes we have. We have learned that we must fight harder, and never give in. We do not fight because we think we can win, we do not fight because of ideology, we fight because we like to fight! And so do our constituents. You should see our town hall meetings. Looks like the emergency room at a trauma center on a Saturday night.
And that's why we're gonna purge this party, and get people who are interested in representing real Americans - like us. And anybody who shakes hands with John Boehner or has been photographed hugging John McCain is fair game. We have perfected a test to determine whether you are conservative enough. We dunk you in water, and if you don't die, you're a RINO.