Will Durst: Seven rows of seven stars

Jul 25, 2013

Note: Will Durst is a comedian and you may find some of his material offensive, or worse, not funny. His views do not necessarily reflect those of KALW.

Hey guys, Will Durst here with a few choice words about Florida.

Now I don't know about you, but I've about had it with the Sunshine State, not just the recent verdict by six Floridians sanctioning the killing of a young man for carrying Skittles out of season, or for inventing the whole 'Stand Your Ground' law which allowed it to happen-all of it. Anybody remember a little thing called hanging chads? An entire retirement community voting for Pat Buchanan by mistake? For crumb's sake who votes for Pat Buchanan by mistake? Oh that's right, they were confused, of course they were confused, it's Florida, that's their natural state-which you realize as soon as you hit the freeway in your rental and you're stuck behind 8,000 Chryslers doing 30 in the fast lane with their left blinkers on going to the Early Bird Dinner.

Florida, where the major cultural contribution has been life-sized cartoon characters in furry costumes. Florida, where you can see the melanomas floating in the air right next to winged insects the size of foot stools. Florida, home to alligators, hurricanes, Orlando and LeBron James-where sunstroke is your constant companion.

Face it, Florida is America's penis. Not just talking about the shape, anybody's who's ever been there will back me up. It's hot, it's wet, it's wrinkled. Two hundred and thirty-seven years old, maybe it's time this country became a man, we should circumcise America, cut Florida off right at the Georgia border, kick it into the Carribbean and rename it North Cuba. Maybe see if Spain is interested in buying it back. It'll work on the flag, seven rows of seven stars. And while we're in the midst of redecorating, perhaps this is a good time for a serious conversation about Texas. How about we trade it back to Mexico, straight up for Baja?