Thank God we made it to the new year. And now we're deep enough into it that many of us have occasionally remembered to write 2013 on our checks. As a public service, we have decided to help out with a couple of resolutions that should have been made of for this, the fourth year of the second decade of the 21st century, but probably weren't...
For Joe Biden to take an oath to open every press conference with, "Who wants a piece of me?!" and then frighten small children by laughing hysterically;
For the 113th Congress to resolve to supercede the 112th Congress' success by accomplishing even less (otherwise known as absolutely nothing);
For President Obama, who pledges to outline a plan to fix the social security problem once and for all and doesn't include raising the retirement age to 83;
For Donald Trump, who convinced himself against his better judgment to somehow stumble onto some semblance of a clue;
For the airline industry, who will make every effort to finally rid the skies of the most dangerous security element known to man - those pesky passengers;
For General David Petraeus, who vows to eat more meals at home ... alone ... in the garage;
For Chris Christie, who swears to do all he can to avoid snickering every time he runs into Mitt Romney;
For Greece, who aspires to become more like Portugal;
For Hillary Clinton, who swears to do all she can to avoid snickering every time she runs into Joe Biden;
For John Boehner, who pledges to find a foundation color that reads less "pumpkin" and more "summer squash";
For Harry Reid, who makes a determined effort to focus more on the slightly wacky and less on the plum crazy;
For the Supreme Court, steadfastly vowing to put the fun back in dysfunctional;
For Lindsay Lohan, who will make a concerted effort to get back to the thing she's really good at – and equally determine to remember exactly what it is.