5:04pm

Thu August 1, 2013
Politics

Will Durst: Totes cray cray

Note: Will Durst is a comedian and you may find some of his material offensive, or worse, not funny. His views do not necessarily reflect those of KALW.  

Hey guys,

Will Durst here with a few choice words about California, which is so incredibly superior to every other state in the union, that it's not even close to funny, right? We don't mean to sound conceited, it's just hard when you're so much better than everyone.

One of the reasons for the unquestionable preponderation of our unrivaled excellence is our awesome humility, duh, but also how we love everyone, regardless of sex or creed or color. Except old people, who, let's face it, they're kind of creepy. What's the deal with their skin? It's all spotty and stuff, eww. But we still love them, and the Mexicans. We even love old Mexicans.

Of course the people we love the most is ourselves. Why? Because of our totally awesome incredibleness. Double duh. You want to know how incredibly awesome we are? Think about it. We tolerate anybody and anything-except the intolerant. That we simply cannot abide. We especially love the fringes. Tots cray cray is where it's at, man. Mainstream is lame-stream. Like did you know that California is home to militant vegans who will punch you right in the face? Of course you can't feel it but you have to pretend because otherwise you hurt their feelings, and nobody wants that, right?

And that's another great thing about us, we totally respect your culture, no matter how ridiculous it may be. But then, we are also free to dismiss it with the same exact enthusiasm. For realz. Because we know how people should live their lives. It came to us, in a vision. We were sitting in our $120 pair of yoga pants when BLAM! No, it wasn't a frying pan, it was enlightenment. And if you don't believe the same stuff that we do then you are just stupid and wrong and should just stay in whatever hellhole you live which is anywhere that is not here. But we love you anyway, because we love everyone. That's the law. Which admittedly, is kind of confusing, but that is so us, right? And now my head hurts. 

Related Program